10 lessons from ten years

the extended version for my good work crew ✏️

Forgive me for breaking format and character today - it won’t happen often, but it will happen sometimes. My 10 year cancer free anniversary is one of those occasions!

While you may not know me personally, you probably know quite a lot. The thing with the internet is that often, you only see the slice of someone that the algorithm deems interesting, or useful.

Rest assured, I have many slices. I have the one that writes here - self-assured, future-seeking, fueled by a desire to create positive impact and hope.

I have the one that works on a team - collaborative, creative, enthusiastically audacious.

I have the one that plays host - high energy, inspiring, thoughtful and detail-obsessed.

And then, I have the one that comes when I’m alone - fearful, wandering, unsteady.

In the 10 years that have followed my diagnosis and treatment, I’ve tried tirelessly to find purpose and joy. I’ve found both in friends, family, love, and work, with work being one of the most interesting and dynamic vessels. Hence, my obsession with good work.

Now, imagine you and I in a warm, bustling coffee shop. Every person around us on their way to somewhere else - some on their phones reading or smiling at a text from a new love, some chatting about niceties or the weather, some staring into the distance, taking a mental moment for themselves. Humor me and close your eyes and really picture it for a moment.

Great. Now, if we were grabbing coffee today, here’s what I’d tell you if you asked me what I’d learned in these 10 years:

ps: if you read these on linkedin or in notes, this is a longer version with some suggestions of how to implement!

1// Never keep a kind thought to yourself

Being nice to others, out loud, is one of the truest forms of self care and generosity. Do you remember a time when a compliment or word of encouragement stuck with you? The person who gave it probably didn’t give it a second thought, but it turned your day or week around or even better, gave you the confidence to do something you might not have done otherwise. You can be that person for others - for free! When you think something nice, say it out loud.

Practice: give one (genuine) compliment a day for the next 7 days

2// As the poet Charlie XCX says, fall in love again and again.

Experiencing love and loss and love again is pure magic. Fall in love with your neighborhood, your pet, your partner, your goals, your routines, your imagination, your book, your community. When you lose love, know that there are a thousand opportunities to find it again if you choose to. The point of life is to live, and nothing makes you feel more alive than love and loss.

Practice: Write down all the things you love and why. Romanticize even the smallest things in this list.

3// Be your best friend, not your worst enemy.

Every minute of every day, you create an impossible-to-ignore feedback loop for yourself. The way you talk to yourself holds a huge amount of power because it feels like truth. It’s easier said than done, but resilient and positive self-talk is a skill that you can master if you commit to it and practice.

Practice: Pay attention to what those who love you say - how does that compare to what you say to yourself?

4// Have some fun, damn it.

There are hundreds of reasons to prioritize having fun - social, emotional, mental, economic. Add some color to your home, add a meme to an email, name your AI agent your favorite cartoon character. Try a new activity, go on an adventure, indulge your inner child. Have a dance party in the middle of the day, get the random nail art, revel in a good belly laugh. Put your phone away. Bring people along for the ride, and share your joy.

Practice: Make one work task more fun this week. Optional but encouraged, have a dance party right this second.

5// Stop sanding down your edges to fit in.

The internet has given us extensive choice of the communities and people we spend time with. You do have to put in the work - first to learn who you are, then to find others like you - but once you do, you’ll find there’s no need to reduce yourself to a smaller version in order to fit in. Certain environments require a specific version of ourselves (work tends to be guiltiest of this), but instead of sanding and abandoning those parts, we can find other spaces to allow them to shine.

Practice: Run a search for communities related to something you’re particularly interested in. It might be birding or product, musicals or AI, Pokemon or data analysis. Consider joining and actually participating.

6// Everyone’s afraid of something.

I’m afraid of getting sick again, I’m afraid of missing opportunities, I’m afraid of taking the wrong bets on myself or others, I’m afraid of upsetting or offending people, I’m afraid of letting people down. Those fears, unfortunately, are never going to go away. Instead of ignoring them, I use them to motivate me to create community, care for others, and get really good at what I do.

Practice: What’s one fear that you pretend you don’t have? Say hello to it and imagine shaking its hand in an agreement of coexistence.

7// Pay attention to what you feel jealous of, and go get a version of it for yourself.

Jealousy is strange in that we’re taught that it’s something we should never feel. I feel it often - so many people have so many amazing things, opportunities, and qualities that I wish I had. Instead of feeling guilt about those thoughts, I love the phrase ‘love it for you, want it for me’ - there’s plenty of happiness, success, growth, and opportunity to go around. If we pay attention to where our internal compass is pulling us instead of ignoring it, we can reach those goals more quickly.

Practice: What’s one thing you’ve felt jealous of recently and why? What’s one thing you could do this week to work toward having your own version of that thing?

8// If you want a village become a villager.

Being a villager can be challenging. Sometimes you’ll organize something and everyone will cancel on you. Sometimes no one will thank you for the nice thing you did. You have to keep going. The compounding effect of showing up for others is that they will, eventually, show up for you. Plan things. Say people’s names in rooms they aren’t in. Do favors without expectation of anything in return. Anticipate people’s needs and acknowledge their fears. Do the work so when you’re on the brink and need help, help will be there.

Practice: What’s one gathering you could organize in the next 45 days? Do the practice exercise in this issue.

9// Never stop learning.

While this may feel very of the moment, it’s always been true. The more information, context, experiences and opinions you can take in, the more nuanced, informed, and ‘you’ your perspectives will become. Get comfortable being bad at things in public, because you have to start bad to get good. Update your opinions and perspectives with each new piece of information - it's cool to change your mind.

Practice: What’s one thing you’re learning or want to learn right now, and can you share that journey (not the destination) with others somehow?

10// Understand that the only limit is physics.

Start listening to what pulls you, and chase that sh*t down.

Practice: If it helps, reply to this email and tell me your wildest dream. I’ll keep it safe for you, but only if you promise to give yourself permission to pursue it.

Thanks for welcoming me into your inbox and giving me space to work through all my slices ✨

Cheers to a few more decades.